I've been paralyzed by the fear of imminent death since I was about seven years old, and I believe that is about the time I decided I could never have children since they would face the same fate. Perhaps for you it is focusing, but for me it is quite the opposite.
I have had a similar existential crisis since I was 13 which greatly affected my ability to focus for half my life. When I hit middle age I finally realized this self inflicted trauma was keeping me from living the life I wanted which was creating a feedback loop that amplified my existential crisis. Consider talk therapy, it works. Fear is the mind killer, as they say. Take your power back and live the time you have at your best.
I appreciate the encouragement and I can say that I have made some effort there. I've also faced chronic pain throughout life and am trying to face the surgery that can probably alleviate it, so I'm working on it.
Good for you! Just keep showing up, and eventually emotional momentum compounded over time will lead to emotional escape velocity. The more processing done in therapy, the lighter the load, the higher you’ll fly. You can do it.
I am so sorry to hear you have chronic pain. I hope your surgery goes well and that it provides some relief.
